The Star Wars Purification Ritual
How to rid us all of the prequel sins and restore balance to the universe
The great pox in Star Wars land came in 1999 with The Menace that Cannot be Named. But if we look deep into our feelings we knew that the pox was coming. In 1984, we had this followed one year later by this. We had the Special Editions. But we chose to ignore our feelings. Instead, we chose to believe. And not just that the prequels would be good but that we should buy into it wholeheartedly with toys and bring our children to it. Long have we suffered for our sins.
It would be easy to cast blame on the creator. That is what we have done for so long. What if — and go with me for a moment — what if it wasn’t him but it was us? We broke with tradition. We were not pure. The toys. The hype. The willingness to look past the special effects. The discounting of what it meant when Spielberg saw the Menace and said it was “visually spectacular.” There were signs I tell you. Signs and portents!
This time surely we must be different but I fear it is already too late. So here I put forward the Star Wars Purification Ritual that all should follow if we are to rid ourselves of the sins of the past and restore order to the universe.
No toys shall be bought. Who is BB-8 anyway? To buy a toy or a new light sabre is to believe that we know their essence. But we do not. We cannot. Rid your house of all such material anomalies at once.
No analysis of insider statements. When Harrison Ford says the movie is wonderful, you must ignore it. It means nothing. It tells you nothing. Purge yourself of such seductions.
No dressing up. Did we dress up for the original Star Wars? No. We did not know what one should wear. We cannot do so this time. If you must, a simple T-shirt with the Star Wars logo is all that is permissible.
No midnight showings. If you go at midnight you are acknowledging that you have hope. This is a grave sin. You must see the Force Awakens at a normal time where you are not asleep or artificially hyped. You must be pure of mind and temper.
No special editions or prequels. You will want to take your children to this movie but they must be indoctrinated with the initial trilogy. There is only one way to do this. You must search and find the original copies. No special editions. No young Anakin. No computer effects. No Jabba in Episode IV. No Episode IV! and Han always shoots first. This is the most sacred of obligations. Fail in this task and we will lose all we have fought for.